I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
