even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
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