who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
