Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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