I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
