I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
