She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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