I have demons in me.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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