The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
