I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
