Need sex. Gaining weight.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I'm passing your future prison.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
