When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
