You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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