So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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