The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
