I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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