actually, I'm a sock model
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
