Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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