she kept yelling 'call me bella'
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
We are all done wearing pants today
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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