how can u be prego again
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
