dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
