is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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