his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
