I accidentally had phone sex last night
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
