She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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