I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Randomize
