My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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