Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
