My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
