Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
