Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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