i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i used baking grease as lip gloss
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
