Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Are we still banned from the library?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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