it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I want her autograph on my taint
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
