dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
