Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
