Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
