uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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