Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
