we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
only if we run a train.
done.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
