We're facebook friends in real life
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
