i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
