I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
