also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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