I wish I could teleport
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
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shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
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Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
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