Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
