So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Randomize
