i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Randomize
