yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
