fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
