is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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