when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
