Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
