Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I didn't notice because vodka
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
