I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
