I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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