How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
