just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
